Marriage Lesson: Address the Problem, Not Each Other

One of the lessons I wish every married couple knew about is that of dealing with problems which arise that have the potential to become conflicts. I have both seen and been involved with the act of attack on the one’s we love due to the anger, frustrations and stirred emotions of having to deal with a problem that seems to weave it’s way into a relationship and take up space in the home.

There have been many wise folks throughout the centuries who have wrote and taught about this subject but with all of the wisdom available today you would think that it would be a thing of the past. So here is my solution to this problem and as simple of a method as it is the key factor to it’s success is the control over our own emotions.

1. Problem enters our lives.
2. Write problem on a piece of paper.
3. Set the piece of paper on kitchen table.
4. Work as a team to attack the problem and come up with a solution.

Rather than directing our frustrations, anger and emotions on each other we direct it all on that piece of paper. If our own actions were the cause of the problem then simply state them, but never find blame in our loved one’s actions. Question together what each can do individually and also together to fix the problem and what can be done in the future to lesson the chances of having the same problem. Even if you believe that it is the others fault for this problem never point it out. Even if the other person doesn’t admit to it, just let it go. Through your positive steps it won’t be long before your partner loses their fear of admitting to making a mistake and will soon find comfort in admitting to making a mistake through your own considerate attitude towards not pointing blame.

About SimpleLivingOver50

At 53 years old I am starting to realize how life changes both physically and emotionally. I strive for a life of simplicity. I am winning the battle with type II diabetes, created a plan to have all debt paid off in 4 years including the house, taking advantage of every opportunity to live life to it's fullest through adventures in nature, hiking, biking, loving and learning.
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20 Responses to Marriage Lesson: Address the Problem, Not Each Other

  1. josie416 says:

    Seems like a lot of wisdom in this approach.

  2. New Journey says:

    Funny, it must be in the air…at least on the west coast…my husband and I went for a long yesterday to go find a place to have lunch, well the subject of disagreements/fighting between us came up…we both have such a different view that its had to meet in the middle…I don’t believe in fighting with your partner, I believe we are both adults and should be able to have a discussion without name calling, and all the BS that can come with it…my husband has a sharp tongue, for better lack of word, he feels that gets his point across faster and better…and he also has this issue that he feels because he is older, he is wiser and always right…HAHAHA I try not to laugh at him but with him…LOL but slowly I am getting him to see how wrong that way of thinking is…so we are getting better at our discussions of right from wrong, as he calls them…but I will give your method a try….writing it down and going from there….he does do better with black and white…there is never a gray area….I love our heated discussions on life, the passion and feelings are all part of it, but the sharp tongue has got to go!!! I do believe that culture has a play in our lives…He is German and they can be tough cookies….as I tell him…I am German and Irish…even tougher…LOL good post…thanks for the great suggestion….kat PS we hardly ever fight….

    • I was watching a couple bicker yesterday and have been thinking about it since. It’s so easy to forget that problems are just that, problems. In the grand scheme of things we solve them and get past them and usually forget about them. What remains is the horrible words that two people can say to each other during the frustrations of dealing with a problem. I don’t like the sharp tongue thing, but we all are subject to our own weaknesses at times but should always be followed up with a sincere apology.

      • New Journey says:

        oh it is…and he is getting way better…he didn’t even know he was doing it….so its a learning curve…and of course you have to wait to broach that subject at a different time….all in all we have a great relationship…as you know it takes give and take on both sides to make a marriage work…we incorporated into our wedding vows Peters favorite saying…..T -C-C –Trust, Communication and Compromise… in no certain order, without one the others don’t matter…kat

      • That is wonderful 😎

  3. facetfully says:

    An interesting thought. In my opinion…and, luckily, my husband’s too… whatever technique you use, the real key is truly wanting to have a good marriage! I will give this idea some thought and perhaps a try. I wonder about a different tack…each of us write down the problem and see if they are similar thoughts…then write about them with the same guidelines. Thanks for the post!

  4. estherjane13 says:

    What amazing advice. I particularly like it when you say “Through your positive steps it won’t be long before your partner loses their fear of admitting to making a mistake”. I find it very difficult not to point out when I think my husband is to blame. This will help me keep my mouth shut in future. Thank you.

  5. Lori Carlson says:

    Reblogged this on As the Fates Would Have It and commented:
    Wish I had read this years ago before my marriage fell apart

  6. That is fantastic advice. I hate blame placing. It serves no purpose but to delay in getting to the solution, delays peace. One beautiful piece of advice that was given to me on my wedding day was to “never go to bed angry.” I have tried to follow that for decades. Wounds left to fester are harder to heal. Keeping track of the injury only to later use it against each other, terrible. Never be afraid to admit you are wrong. Never be afraid to apologize EVEN IF you feel you are NOT wrong. Always try to be the peace maker. And if your spouse does all of these same things, there is nothing that can’t be overcome.

  7. hsampson says:

    Thanks Billy! Wonderful lesson!! Maybe next time…

  8. Yes!! Address the issue not the person. πŸ‘πŸ‘

  9. One individual road-tested her pots and pans evaluated Thanksgiving holiday as well as commented that the premium was actually positively superior.

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